The voice in my head kept hoping it would be over soon, but she just kept piercing her sharp elbows on my back and calves. The feeling of twenty knives cutting right through my body as I asked perhaps I should tell her to be more gentle with me. But I said nothing.
I laid there with my face down the hole as my massage therapist kneaded my muscles like she was kneading a stubborn dough to make into a loaf of bread. I contemplated telling her to stop or go easy on me.
My muscles were tense. My body kept fighting the "pain", and I refused to lose control. Stubborn and afraid that it would hurt too much-- that it would feel uncomfortable. Refused to let go until I realized...
I was only fighting one thing:
When I was in the kindergarten, I thought I was on top of the world. And by top, I mean the top of the jungle-gym. I sat up there, barking orders, and telling the other kids to get off my jungle-gym.
I liked being on top. It was empowering. It was comfortable and I felt in charge.
The other kids tried to befriend me, play with me, and ask if they could climb to the top with me, but rudely I would deny their requests.
I was not a nice kindergartner.
I had learned in my young age that you can't let others see your weaknesses otherwise they'll walk all over you.
However, this couldn't be further from the truth. This was a story that I was telling myself from my previous experiences.
I later met a little girl who tested me. Who made me realize (in retrospect) that no matter how much I tried fighting it, when I surrendered to being true to myself I opened myself up to a friendship that has to this day lasted so many barriers.
For that, I am grateful.
Now, what does all this have to do with my massage at the beginning of my story and my business?
When I laid there getting my massage, the more I tried to fight the pain by tensing up my body the more I felt the sharpness of each knead. When I allowed myself to relax, it became clear that I needed to let down my guard and allow myself to get repaired. I needed my muscles to rejuvenate.
In terms of my business, I'm learning to let me guard down more and more. Allowing myself to be more vulnerable, to create more uncomfortable scenarios.
Opening my business and my life to have more of a learning curve, more in-depth conversations, and build a better relationship with myself.
After all, they say that our zone of genius is on the other side of our comfort zone.
It's uncomfortable, it's super awkward, but incredibly necessary.